Defining Killua
by MeikoAfterDark
Summary: Backstory for Killua Zoldyck before he appeared in the Hunter Exam arc. Killua contemplates his position within his family as he survives the punishment for his failure to follow orders. Why does showing no weakness mean not having and showing heart? Does his name and family truly define him- is he destined to be the perfect Zoldyck assassin- or is Killua so much more?


Killua Zoldyck knew no matter the amount of pain or the amount of scars he'll have in the morning, he couldn't cry. And he wouldn't.

But just because he didn't, doesn't mean he didn't want to.

Most young boys his age would normally get a time out or sent to their room if they disobeyed his parents' orders. But Killua wasn't a normal boy, and his family wasn't your ordinary family.

The Zoldycks' name was infamous not only to their community, but to the world. Their name struck fear into the hearts of the most villainous of men, because a visit from the Zoldycks meant a visit with the Reaper.

The Zoldycks were a family of killers, assassins. Assassins that refused to stay anonymous because they accepted- no, welcomed- any and all challenges to their well-oiled killing machine.

No, the Zoldycks were far from ordinary, so it would be wise not to disobey them. And Killua normally wouldn't, but when he was ordered to kill a young girl who was the granddaughter of their latest target, Killua lowered his hand and turned away from the girl cowering in the corner and Illumi, his always watchful older brother.

Killua was a killer, but he also had morals. He wouldn't kill an innocent. But as his brother turned to dispatch the girl, Killua felt a twinge of guilt because he knew his brother wouldn't show the horrified girl any mercy. If he had done it, the girl may have died a painless death.

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Killua had to accept the consequences, no matter his decision.

After the deed was done, Killua relaxed his muscles to prepare for the needles. The needles that would knock him out until he was back at home. Killua had disobeyed his orders, so he now faced his punishment.

The punctures were quick and the pain came swiftly, and Killua was out cold before his body even touched the floor.

When he awoke, he was in his family's prized torture room, only used when a Zoldyck disobeyed and exposed their weakness. Killua must never show emotion; he must never leave himself exposed to an enemy. He is not supposed to be merciful; he is not supposed to have a heart.

Killua understood this, but this tactic never held firm when facing someone who was not his direct enemy or by any means couldn't protect themselves.

He was a trained assassin, but he held no desire to kill. And that was a problem, seeing as he was a Zoldyck.

The dank room he was in had faint light drifting in from the corridor, so he recognized what torture contraception he was currently restrained to. As he looked up, he realized that the unpleasant rumble that caused him to come to came from the electricity coursing through his body. The shackles that held his arms high above his head were set to give out strong and continuous electric shocks. The shocks weren't powerful enough to damage his heart, but they were sharp enough to make a normal person foam at the mouth.

Despite the strength of the electricity, Killua focused on keeping his mouth dry, knowing from experience how liquids would only intensify the pain. He also focused on keeping his eyes from tearing up, because not only would the shocks be a problem, but the needles inserted into his eyes would make the sockets burn from the pain.

Illumi implanted the needles as a reminder to not show weakness to the enemy, so crying became less of a cathartic experience and more of an agonizing one.

Biting his lip, Killua closed his eyes and quickly became aware of the sharp knives beneath his feet. If he wasn't careful, he would put too much weight on the heels and they would get punctured by the poison-laced daggers. Even though his body was immune to all poisons known in the world, he still didn't want to risk the soles of his feet. He needed them to walk, run, jump and kick. If the poison seeped into his feet, he might just lose all feeling in this critical area, so he focused on putting little weight on his legs and letting his upper body take the brunt of the load. He alternated between leaning on the heels and the balls of his feet, trying to keep them as light as he could. His expertise in this method is one of the reasons why his enemies never heard his footsteps.

His eyes still closed, Killua focused on breathing. Long, steady breaths. Calming breaths, soothing breaths. He had to keep his anxiety under control. The torture room was not his favorite room in the house, no matter how often he frequented its chambers. He never liked being here, never saw the usefulness of putting a person's life on the line just to prove a point. His family was bullying him, but he couldn't protest. He couldn't complain. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't do much of anything.

Like screaming. None of that was allowed. Even as the muscles in his arms screamed from their unfortunate position, Killua could not voice its sentiments. Even as his feet begged to be on solid ground, Killua didn't utter a sound. And as his body burned from the unnatural shocks coursing through his body, Killua didn't bat an eyelash. And even though he wanted to do nothing more than scream, Killua silenced his aching throat.

He couldn't scream, because screaming showed weakness. And if he showed weakness, his punishment would be prolonged.

Killua was trapped in his body, in his home, in his name. Killua opened his eyes and wearily pulled his head back to look up at the ceiling. He envisioned the smooth black as a blazing blue, with a warm sun shooing away the chills in his body and the wind pushing back the sweat on his brow. He longed to be free, to see the world and escape his family.

Being a Zoldyck and living this life was all he had ever known, but he knew there was something else out there that he desperately wanted, even if he didn't have a name for what this desire was.

A dull passion began to slowly burn in his emotionless pupils as Killua began making his plans.

As Killua stood there in silence, his family watched him from the torture room's cameras, pleased at what they were seeing and unaware of what he was thinking.

"Oh my beautiful Killua, he will be the perfect Zoldyck assassin," his mother gushed with pride as she looked on at her son's suffering.

Milluki rolled his eyes at his mother's constant praise of his puny little brother. "He has disobeyed you and papa's orders for the umpteenth time, yet you still think he's your brilliant little prodigy."

Without warning, Kikyo's palm left a dark imprint and piercing sting across Milluki's face. "Killua is young and impressionable, and he wouldn't be so disobedient if you actually supported him like the rest of us do. He thinks he's worthless because of you, so he disobeys."

Holding back tears and rubbing his cheek, Milluki looked down at the ground in annoyance during her accusation. He found himself surprised when his mother pulled him in for an embrace.

"Just try to be a good big brother like I know you are and I promise he'll make you and all of us proud," Kikyo cooed in his ear.

Milluki slowly nodded, never really prepared to handle his mother's sharp mood swings. "I admit that Killua is showing fine progress. He has not screamed, struggled or cried this entire time."

Pulling back, Kikyo looked down at her son and beamed. "Isn't it amazing? He may not have killed the girl like we ordered, but at least we know it wasn't from a moment of weakness. If it was, he wouldn't be able to handle one of his least favorite punishments."

Milluki hid a smirk at the word 'favorite', but he nodded in agreement. Years of experience have taught him never to disagree with his mother. "If that's the case, then should we get father and discuss what should be done about Killua?"

Kikyo shook her hand and waved his suggestion off. "Your father is busy with grandpa, so I'll release Killua and determine what I should do about his disobedience. He's had enough for today."

Milluki didn't agree, but he kept his mouth shut and followed his mother down to the torture room.

"Killua! My bad little boy! Mother's here to rescue you!" Kikyo half-sang as she entered the room and began shutting the power down to Killua's contraception. She was careful to make sure the daggers were not beneath him as she lowered him to the floor and began releasing him from his shackles.

Milluki watched her bemusedly as he silently enjoyed his brother's punishment. _'Serves your disobedient ass right.'_  
_  
_"There! My little prodigy is free!" Kikyo gushed before rambling on about how the punishment was for his own good and how they needed to curve the disobedience within him. Milluki glanced at Killua to observe him massaging the area around his wrists where the cuffs had been before turning his attention to his mother's lecture.

Kikyo was so blind-sighted by her talk with Killua and Milluki so absorbed in his personal satisfaction, that neither noticed Killua's quick swipe for one of the poison-dipped daggers until it was cutting across their bodies.

Kikyo and Milluki yelled in shock as they fell back from the sudden pain, registering too late Killua bolting for the door.

"Killua!" Kikyo yelled towards her beloved son, but he was already gone.

"Mother!" Milluki rushed over to his mother on the floor, even though the movement agitated the open wound on his chest. He looked down at his mother, but he wasn't surprised by the blood running out of the long wound across his mother's face.

He was surprised by the pure elation he found sparkling in her dark eyes. Her laugh ran high and shrill as her eyes widened with glee. Raising her hand to touch the raw skin on her face, Kikyo's pride for her amazing son grew tenfold.

"Killua! O, Killua, you held no remorse when you attacked me with that knife. No remorse, no emotion, no weakness."

Milluki drew back in terror as his mother cackled, blood running down her face as she continued to laugh.

"Killua! You are a killer, the perfect Zoldyck assassin!"

As Killua ran through the forest and away from his home, the wind that pushed away the sweat on his brow also carried his mother's message. _You are a killer_.

Shaking his head, Killua sprinted even faster, his feet barely making an imprint on the soft earth.

_"No, mother. I am so much more than that."_


End file.
